Restoring the mother & daughter bond
What makes the mother and daughter bond so complex? Or perhaps, it isn’t so complex if you are one of the lucky ones. Or maybe you are the kind of person who has learned to appreciate your mother or daughter as an individual right now in the moment. But those of who are in pain in this very fundamental relationship maybe encouraged to know there are solutions out there.
I signed up for a relationship workshop a couple of weekends ago. Being single I figured I could probably learn a few lessons about relating. But my relationship with my daughter, who is now 18, is probably the most challenging one I’ve had in recent years. So I asked her if she wanted to join me while letting her know that I believed the issues between us were “our problem”. Being in first year of University with her own unique challenges she accepted my offer. This was a huge step for both us!
The workshop proved to be worth every minute we spent. It was intensely emotional and with a few Ah-hah moments and deep insights. What was particularly unique for me in this session was how Laila Ghattas of Aziza Healing Adventures led the exporation. Most of the work had to be done by us using creative materials.
We were first asked to mould what our current life looks like using clay followed by an exploration and reflection session.
Then we had to create a blue print of our childhood as it relates to what we learned about in all aspects of a relationship.
My daughter and I had agreed to go into this workshop with an open mind and as individuals. So it was particularly interesting for me to hear what she learned during her childhood and what role I as a mother played in her life. Well, this was probably the most painful part of the whole session for me but with some very useful insights.
What I offer the reader is this, its worth examining your relationships with family members and people you love. I also recommend you explore and find a format that works for you. What I specifically liked about Aziza Healing Adventures is that the use of words as a medium to communicate is downplayed. Instead the powerful artistic expressions help uncover messages from your subconscious. This worked for me over the traditional “sit on the couch and speak” approach used by most therapists.
On the Monday following the workshop, I felt as if my heart had been ripped open and feeling a little raw. However, when I got an email from my daughter on the Tuesday everything felt good again. It was a thank you note about the experience from the workshop! Now that’s a great ending to an intense weekend and a powerful opening to a new way of relating.
Jillene says:
Ah, Indra, you’ve given some beautiful insights into how this being ripped open has indeed opened you to new insights and realizations. You are becoming even more beautiful as a result of having jumped off into this experience.
Hands pressed together, head bowed toward you ~ Jillene
December 24th, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Trudy Van Buskirk says:
Hi Indra. Even though I don’t have a daughter, I do have an “ex” stepdaughter. She is 34 now with a new baby, in Vancouver 15 years and I’ve known her since she was 4 years old! I’m one of the “constants” in her life and she always end each phone conversation with “I love you”.
I also like to read and got Deborah Tannen’s newest book called “You’re Wearing THAT?” for Christmas from my brother and his girlfriend. A very good book about the reationship mothers and daughters have and why!
Read this!
February 28th, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Cathie says:
I have a daughter with Oppositional Defiant Disorder who is 23 but emotionally much younger. I had to learn and have to keep learning every day, to acknowledge that she is the one in charge of her own life, and the worst thing I can do is try to advise her about anything. This approach has kept us close despite many confrontations. I was always advised to keep in mind that the long term relationship is more important than whatever the current discussion is about. This has also helped my younger daughter because she has responded to my respect for her separateness and ability to make decisions with such wonderful gestures. She is considerate and flexible more than one would expect of an eighteen year old. We communicate so well that she has commented that her friends do not have what we have in terms of being able to tell each other the truth without crossing adult-child boundaries. After living with her older sister, she could have chosen to rebel but I believe the way I dealt with the ODD gave her the skills to test the rules and mature with the confidence that I could handle anything she needs to tell me. I have to say that we have had a lot of support along the way and we have our ups and downs, but overall we are still connected in a way that I was told might not be possible under the circumstances. A book I recommend is Families Anonymous. It is a very short booklet, based on the Alchoholics Anonymous program. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, I sit down and skim through the booklet, and it puts me back into the proper frame of mind. I think the method is not as important as making the effort, and I applaud mothers who struggle to manage their relationships with their daughters who are becoming young adults with the insight that letting go is an art, and it can be a pleasure, despite the inherent obstacles.
April 18th, 2007 at 9:18 am